Backing Forward

“Still, accepting God’s existence is one thing; honoring his command is another matter entirely, especially if we’re required to go back when we’d rather go forward.”~Liz Curtis Higgs

I had no choice. Every part of my life was ripped away and shattered beyond repair. The dark giants were celebrating their victory as I lay immobilized in pain and confusion. How could my life have come to this point? I have tried to be faithful. I thought I was following God. I tried to stand for truth and listen to Him. Admittedly, my life was not completely honoring Him. I had allowed the rebellion of others and their pursuit of sin to infiltrate my life. But did I deserve this? Deserve it or not, I was being fed to the wolves. I made the hardest phone call of my life, and back I went to a familiar, now foreign place. Home. I’ve stayed since.

The day I left home I was young, full of hope and sure I was headed where God wanted. Returning years later, every hope crushed, I was desperately alone. All I felt was shame and failure. I constantly cried out to God. Can I have any part of my life back? You want me to do what? Where do you want me? Who do you want me to be? Show me God.

At first the answers came in bits and pieces. As I grew stronger, I saw answers faithfully and lovingly come, even when I didn’t like the process.

Fast forward over a dozen years. The hurt of that dark time has faded so that I have trouble conjuring the emotion. I am changed and I am so completely thankful. I would have never become who I am now in my former circumstances. I pray dozen years from now I look back at today and say, I am changed.

Is there really any going back with God? What if my puny little mind just doesn’t get it. The journey I mean. Is it about going back, or staying or going? It’s inside. Scraping away what is not Him and asking Jesus to fill the gaps and make me over.

There are days I wish He would allow so many things to be different. Times will come when I long to hear "Go". On those days, I will fall back into His arms, stay in His care and go where he leads. And I can do all that right where I am.