When Weariness Seems to Win

Weariness gets me. I have to admit, it gets me in a bad way.

Last Friday I awoke and my mind was in the middle of singing Building 429 We will not be shaken. Praise was on my heart. But, it was still a tough day. I was making big decisions about our business and working through challenges is never easy. Particularly since we are a family business. Like most families, we have our share of strife and baggage.

If you don't know me, my family raises pigs. Yep, I manage a pig farm. More accurately I manage the people who run the pig farm. We are now 18 months into significant restructuring of operations, organization and finances. I have a super team of people way smarter than me who provide excellent and trustworthy advice. Yet, some days it feels like I barely manage to keep my head above water. Like Wednesday.

Four irrigation pivots were broken down at a critical time for corn. The state was coming to visit and presumably shut off our ability to pump out of the creek. Fortunately, they only put us on a schedule. Major building problems at another unit were a big concern. People's stress levels were as high as the acrid summer heat. To top off the day one of my trusted team, our accountant, gave his two week notice.

That did it. CEO or not, I cried. Not very professional, but sometimes being a woman trumps job descriptions. I cried the rest of the day. I put out a 'help me' message to some of my team, hoping they could talk me back from hormones to logic. No call.

Cling to truth. I will not be shaken. 

OK I thought, I'm hosting a study at my house tonight. Their encouragement will snap me right out of this. We start by sharing our week and prayer requests. Problem was several of us had bad things happen. Their problems were just as important as mine. I will get my turn. But the turn didn't come. I hate to admit this, but half way through the evening I shut down and just wanted everyone to go home so I could have a good old fashioned, therapeutic cry.

Trust in Him. Hide in God.

Thursday, I tried to talk with our consultant who was here. He helps people work with people. Can we say God's timing is perfect? Dangerously to close to losing it when I had an afternoon of meetings to run, I said just enough to keep myself together. He gave me what encouragement he could and knows me well enough to understand my process. Do the next thing until I don't feel so raw. I barely made it through the day.

It was Friday morning again and I awoke puffy eyed, exhausted. I fell into my recliner, bible in hand as usual.

Keep Close to me. I'm here.

From the ends of the earth, I will cry to you for help for my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Let me live forever in your sanctuary beneath the shelter of your wings. Psalm 62:1-4

God heard my cry and gave this reminder and promise. Thank you, God! Still teary, I was now running late. I rushed to get ready, turning on the radio always set to KLOVE. I stopped dead in my tracks. Guess what song was playing? Yep, We will not be shaken. 

If you feel like this today, do what little you can. Cling to truth. Hide in God. 

Let your tears flow and know he is sheltering you under his wing. 
Allow your pain, but take it to the rock of safe refuge.
Don't deny weariness. Know it will be banished in the fortress of God.

He always hears. He always gives rest for the weary. He is always faithful. 

Is it instantaneous? Not always, and that is all right. I'm still not back to normal, but God is always good. I know I'm not the only one who struggles. Please tell me I'm not! If I can encourage you take a deep breath and reach out. We are not meant to do this alone. 

He walks with us every step and we will not be shaken.

Again

If I made a list of my favorite years, years upon remembering bring a smile to my heart, 2010 would not be on it. There was no catastrophic event, when once survived, I could pin a badge of courage. It was simply the accumulation of life. Family loss, business changes, work stress, overwhelming demands, health challenges. I would be embarrassed to divulge details because any one of these are small potatoes compared to the suffering some faced. Nevertheless, I was worn down.

By mid-December I was checking off days until I could turn the calendar, close the lid on a tough year and tuck it on the back shelf. I know there isn’t anything changed on the 1st than there was on the 31st, but it just feels different. A clean start. With much of the muck resolved, I hoped 2011 would be a year of ease. Boy, was I ready for ease. I peered into the months ahead and I knew they would times to embrace and savor.

Christmas week, our business got a bad report. My spirit slumped. In the following days, the breadth of the situation widened. Business was brought nearly to a complete stop while we assessed, regrouped and planned. This problem will negatively impact our business until long into 2012. My hope of ease vanished.

God, do we really have to do this AGAIN?

" . . . to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load

is to miss a new opportunity for growth."

J.R. Miller from Streams in the Desert

Yes, AGAIN. He said

I sat before Him in silence. I should have felt despair, panic, anger and sure, I felt some of that. But those emotions came like a faint whisper. What came boldly was comfort from all the challenges God has brought me through. That knowing swept over me.

If I had not chosen to bend to those loads in the past, despair and panic would still rule. But I did bend and God bent with me. In choosing to bend, God strengthened my resolve, my dependence and my knowing Him.

This year will not be easy. I can't say what life will look like as it wanes. It may not look pretty, but I know it will be allright. Facing the heaviness of burdens is easier now because I chose to bend. Of course there are plenty of times I chafe from the strain. Times my focus falters and I blow it. But, every time I choose to bend again, so does God.

He who listens to me shall dwell securely

and shall be at ease from the dread of evil.

Prov 1:33

This year will be a different kind of ease.

I choose to bend. AGAIN.