Choosing to Experience the Journey

I am uncomfortable with extravagance. Somehow it makes me feel guilty, but that post is for later. Suffice it to say, I have a journey ahead of me that, given current circumstances, makes no sense and could justifiably be questioned. I am going to England then China.

The primary focus is business. I will wear my Waldo Genetics CEO hat for meetings and don my branded clothing to attend trade shows. But I get to have some fun too. I am taking my daughter to England and fulfilling some long wished for dreams.

We have three days to experience England. It's impossible.

I'm a planner. But, planning for England has been overwhelming. London is a maze options, and for goodness sake how do we possibly get around? The tube, fast train, slow train, boat, car, bus. The things that have to be figured out are mind boggling.

I want to see it all. Do everything. 

I started with two certainties. Phantom of the Opera in London and the White Cliffs of Dover. Bucket list. Check.  Here's where the grass is always greener, envious nature starts. Take Dover for instance. The cliffs are the dream, but I also learned about a fantastic castle and a WWII tunnel system that sound fascinating and, and, and take more time to see than we have. Sigh.

I can't see everything. I have to make choices.

I could easily be at the cliffs wondering what we are missing at the castle or rushing through the tunnels to make sure I can get a glimpse of the lighthouse. My mind frantic to process, but not absorbing the experience. It's like reading a book and realizing I don't know what one word is on the page. What a waste.

I don't see anything, because I'm trying to grasp for everything.

Yikes, I do this with life. I've done this with life too many times. Do you have that problem too? It is so easy to get caught up in thinking someone else has it better or they get to do something we want to do. Even if we are not comparing our journey to others, we worry our road is too narrow. Still comparison. God is helping me realize I will get the most blessing out of the trip if I choose to soak in every place, every moment.

Do I ever feel the journey I'm on is a fraction of what life should be? You bet I do. But a sure way to make that road impassible is to not be on it. I mean emotionally, spiritually, intentionally.

God talks to us through our journey. Give Him our full attention. A three day trip or a lifetime, we only get one. Make the most of the journey He has given.

Accept our journey as God breathed.
Experience more by doing less.
Sink deep into the moment.
Don't let the choice be stolen by envy.
Be filled with gratitude. 

I want to experience my journey and breathe deep, full. I hope you do too.

How have you experienced more of your journey?

In His delight,

Linda

Confession of a Love Affair

A friend recently asked how my spiritual life is. I loved the question. We were talking about work. My first response was that I am much more dependent on God than ever. True, and a great stability in my life. But there is an even bigger change. 

I'm in a love affair. 

A full tilt, deeper every year, can't get out of it and don't even want to love affair.

Sure, I've loved God forever. Politely, respectfully as one would a teacher, creation wondrously and saving thankfully. But, God wanted more. He desired to go deeper and so, much deeper I've gone.

It happened in stages starting with breaking open the locked door. Ugly feelings. Lies. Bared soul. Captivating words read and healing words spoken by ladies who could see more than the lies. He spoke intimately to my heart and a love avalanche began burying crags and crevasses in white. 

I delight in my love. My love delights in me. 

God longs to be your everything too. It doesn't matter what stage of life or relationship you are in. It doesn't matter if you are desperately alone or blissfully happy.

He wants you. Intimately. 

He desire for you is healing and freedom and love that delights. If you have ever wondered if there is more, and who hasn't? If you have ever been left feeling hollow no matter how great life appears to be, take a chance. Open that door. He is waiting to take you on a delightful journey.

How have you fallen more in love with God?

In His Delight,

Linda

Staying Calm When Life Seems Impossible

There they stood like ducks on a firing range. Only it was Pharaoh and 600 chariots breathing down their backside. The Red Sea and certain destruction the only other choice. The newly released slaves had no way to defend themselves and nowhere to run.

Trapped. Terrified.

Have you been there? I've had my back against the wall this week. Mounting pressure makes me feel like someone hijacked my life. My pressure, my Pharaoh, comes from work. Maybe your Pharaoh is illness that robs. Your Pharaoh might be a relationship that poisons. Does Pharaoh attack your faith like the slaves at the edge of the Red Sea?

God has other plans for you and me. 

The Lord will fight for you. Just stay calm. Ex. 14:14

The waters may not part, but he still gives victory. Right now, I don't see Pharaoh, backing down and God may not part the waters for me to escape. My victory comes in a calm heart. I am thankful for the stillness God gives. Knowing I'm powerless, I just stay calm. Am I perfect at it? No, but I'm learning more every day.

He can give you same sense of calm. When your back is against the wall and the warriors of destruction are looming, He will fight for you. Just stay calm.

What is your Pharaoh today? How has God fought for you?

I'm part of Team 365 Reading God's word every day.  It is a great way to read through the bible. Would you like to join us?

Can we hear God?

I recently got a puppy so I'm outside. A lot. And it's winter.

We began our house training in the 50+ mile per hour winds and snow. Yeah, it was fun having the storm winds rage against freezing ears and hands. All I wanted to do was head for safety and comfort.

Last night though, the world was still. Snow floated like a sleepy child meanders making me wonder if it would even reach the ground. Stillness became a blanket. I could hear the drone of the fertilizer plant six miles southeast. My puppy listened to the bark of a dog from town two miles to the north. The six o'clock fire whistle came from a town eight miles southwest. I could hear so much more in the surreal quietness.

It made me think about the howling horrible nights. On those stormy nights, did the plant stop producing fertilizer for crops? Did the whistle fail to sound evening time? Did the dogs quit barking their joy of living?

No.

I couldn't hear any of those life sounds. Regardless of the storm the sound of life still occurred.  

Two snows came in very different fashion. God is quieter than the still snow. He is more fierce than the howling storm. He is producing growth with predictable timing and joyful living.

He wants us to hear as confidently in storms as we hear in stillness.

Listen. He is speaking in it all.

Where have you heard God speak?

I Don't Want Life to Be Easy

Life has been a challenge this week but I've been thinking this:

I don't want life to be easy. 

If life were easy. 

I wouldn't know Jesus. The fellowship of his sufferings like I do now.

If life were easy. 

I would not recognize the wounded ache in eyes that cross my path.

If life were easy.

I would be entirely too full of myself.

If life were easy. 

I would care less about, things, about people, about God.

If life were easy. 

I'm certain I would be shallow and unwilling to plumb the depths for a friend.

If life were easy. 

I would be less willing to step into the messiness of life to come along side someone.

If life were easy. 

I would not recognize my need for Jesus.

If life were easy.

I would not have learned the value of patience and perseverance.

If life were easy.

I would not understand that it is more about how I do than what I do in life.

No. I don't want life to be easy. 

There is too much to lose.

What would you lose if life were easy?

Losing Face. Witness love.

I've been angry this week. A lot.

Our China managers are here for training and business strategy. We are writing new contracts and tightening what our manager calls leakage. I have some incredible and exciting miracles to share with you, but this is on my heart today.

They described many situations of dishonesty from our China partners. This doesn't come as a shock. We have been working on some situations for years. But the reality stings hearing it first hand.

Some of our partners are very honest and upright. Others sadly are not; they put on a good face when we go to China. In China, they call it knives with smiles. It makes me angry because my father has spent years helping them build their farms, build their business and giving them tools to be successful. They use what they want and do their own thing for their own pleasure.

In China when someone does something dishonest, they call it losing face. When someone is very dishonest and cannot be trusted at all, they say he has no face. Too often, they respond in the moment for their pleasure, while denying our agreements and word.

It makes me think about my relationship with God. How often I put on a good face then take what I want and use it for my own pleasure?

Lose face. I responded to the moment by letting my anger deny I live for Jesus. It wasn't intentional. Does that make me a little like Peter?

Peter promised he would never deny Jesus. Everybody else could, but he would die before bending. Then he responded to the moment and three times, lost face. The rooster crowed.

At that moment the Lord turned and looked at Peter. Luke 22:61a.

Can you imagine? The denier and the denied face to face. It must have been a paralyzing moment, searing the mind and heart. Peter realizing what he did. Jesus knowing. 

What did Peter see in the eyes of Jesus? I think he saw compassion, grace and sorrow beyond what he could bear. Peter saw love he could not understand. 

And Peter left the courtyard, crying bitterly. Luke 22:61b

Maybe that was the moment Peter completely believed for the first time. I don't know, but it changed Peter's life. Maybe that black night and the rooster crow was the very moment Peter truly became the rock. 

Black moments of losing face can change our lives too. 

Have you ever heard the rooster crow?

I've heard. I've been like Peter in some ways this week. By being angry and impatient, I denied for the moment that Jesus is my Lord. When I allow that to happen, I lose face.

When we lose face, we lose our witness. In our worst moments Jesus turns to look at me, at you. We behold the same compassion and grace.

Thank you God that no matter what we have done, Jesus knows. 

Jesus turns to look at me. He turns to look at you.

See love. 

Getting ahead of God

My niece got married last week and she wanted to have a picnic at our farm the following day to celebrate with her new Phoenix family and DC law students. 

My mom and dad worked relentlessly. Let me tell you Martha Stewart has got nothing on my mom. They returned from a trip a few weeks ahead and everyone kicked into high gear. Planting, pruning, watering, cleaning; the whole staff took part.

As each day clicked off toward the big event, we stressed that flowers were dropping leaves and shriveling. They should have been fully grown and thriving in the favorably mild and wet summer.

At the party, my father apologized that he had treated the flower beds with fertilizer to help them along. The only ones that survived were the flowers he missed.

Isn't that just like us with God?

Fertilizer is a good thing, but too much at the wrong time and growth stops.

I can think of many times I've done the same thing. I've given my daughter good advice, but too much at the wrong time and growth stops.

We are working through business restructuring right now. We needed answers two months ago. Some decisions or non-decisions seem wrong to people.

It reminds me of Gideon. If it had been me God told to go into battle with a candle, a jar and an instrument to blow hot air through I can hear myself now, excuse me God do you not understand the size of this problem? Guess I don't understand what small faith and how little patience I have.

I told a friend yesterday, sometimes those who wait on the Lord sweat bullets.

Do you feel like that? Are you sweating bullets waiting for answers?

The world looks up to people who can make things happen. They are the movers and the shakers. They know how to get things done.  That doesn't mean we have to come in with our fertilizer. We can do a lot of good things, we can make a lot of good decisions.

But too much of our own efforts at the wrong time and growth stops. God can't work.

I remain confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord; 

be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14

But for us who call God our Lord, no decision is greater than letting God work in His time and His way.

I encourage you today to resist the small faith, little patience urge to fertilize.
There is richness waiting.
The soil and the seed God is preparing will be a thing of beauty.

Take heart.

Don't get ahead of God. You might miss the beauty.

When Weariness Seems to Win

Weariness gets me. I have to admit, it gets me in a bad way.

Last Friday I awoke and my mind was in the middle of singing Building 429 We will not be shaken. Praise was on my heart. But, it was still a tough day. I was making big decisions about our business and working through challenges is never easy. Particularly since we are a family business. Like most families, we have our share of strife and baggage.

If you don't know me, my family raises pigs. Yep, I manage a pig farm. More accurately I manage the people who run the pig farm. We are now 18 months into significant restructuring of operations, organization and finances. I have a super team of people way smarter than me who provide excellent and trustworthy advice. Yet, some days it feels like I barely manage to keep my head above water. Like Wednesday.

Four irrigation pivots were broken down at a critical time for corn. The state was coming to visit and presumably shut off our ability to pump out of the creek. Fortunately, they only put us on a schedule. Major building problems at another unit were a big concern. People's stress levels were as high as the acrid summer heat. To top off the day one of my trusted team, our accountant, gave his two week notice.

That did it. CEO or not, I cried. Not very professional, but sometimes being a woman trumps job descriptions. I cried the rest of the day. I put out a 'help me' message to some of my team, hoping they could talk me back from hormones to logic. No call.

Cling to truth. I will not be shaken. 

OK I thought, I'm hosting a study at my house tonight. Their encouragement will snap me right out of this. We start by sharing our week and prayer requests. Problem was several of us had bad things happen. Their problems were just as important as mine. I will get my turn. But the turn didn't come. I hate to admit this, but half way through the evening I shut down and just wanted everyone to go home so I could have a good old fashioned, therapeutic cry.

Trust in Him. Hide in God.

Thursday, I tried to talk with our consultant who was here. He helps people work with people. Can we say God's timing is perfect? Dangerously to close to losing it when I had an afternoon of meetings to run, I said just enough to keep myself together. He gave me what encouragement he could and knows me well enough to understand my process. Do the next thing until I don't feel so raw. I barely made it through the day.

It was Friday morning again and I awoke puffy eyed, exhausted. I fell into my recliner, bible in hand as usual.

Keep Close to me. I'm here.

From the ends of the earth, I will cry to you for help for my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Let me live forever in your sanctuary beneath the shelter of your wings. Psalm 62:1-4

God heard my cry and gave this reminder and promise. Thank you, God! Still teary, I was now running late. I rushed to get ready, turning on the radio always set to KLOVE. I stopped dead in my tracks. Guess what song was playing? Yep, We will not be shaken. 

If you feel like this today, do what little you can. Cling to truth. Hide in God. 

Let your tears flow and know he is sheltering you under his wing. 
Allow your pain, but take it to the rock of safe refuge.
Don't deny weariness. Know it will be banished in the fortress of God.

He always hears. He always gives rest for the weary. He is always faithful. 

Is it instantaneous? Not always, and that is all right. I'm still not back to normal, but God is always good. I know I'm not the only one who struggles. Please tell me I'm not! If I can encourage you take a deep breath and reach out. We are not meant to do this alone. 

He walks with us every step and we will not be shaken.

China: Prayer #3

Are you on the flight to Detroit?

The words broke through my fog of thought as I passed the terminal entrance for the umpteenth time. I looked toward the source of the cheerful intrusion and saw a woman with two children, all blonde. The boy was very young and the waist high girl obviously feeling as sick as I was. Severe sinus cold and fever did not wait for the comforts of my home. Poor dear.

I affirmed that, yes, we were on the same flight and we struck up a conversation. I could tell from the mountain high stack of luggage, a sick girl, and a stroller lost in the bowels of the luggage system, that she was stretched to the limit.

I offered to help by watching the luggage while she found the stroller, but an employee offered to get it for her. We exchanged our stories while we waited. She lived in southern China and her husband  stayed to work while they visited family this summer. She was fascinated I was in China on pig business.

The children climbed into the now found stroller and we gathered luggage, carts and kids heading our train to check in. She told me they never fly that route home. Hmm, I think this is a set up. 

I have to ask, are you missionaries? Her sideways glance spoke volumes. Not officially she said. We don't work with any organization. We live here, and share where we can.

Prayer #3.
 

I smiled.  As we headed toward security and I told of my hope that being in China could be about more than only selling pigs. I want to support missions in the country, from within the country. She beamed.

It's astounding how quickly you can become friends when you have a common bond. Her children are absolutely darlings and I was amazed at their language skills. They talked my leg off while we ate supper together.

My new friend shared her experiences. Some of the encouraging things God is doing as well as the struggles people in China face to share the truth of God. She and her husband have been doing this unsupported live-in-share-in ministry for 13 years! She named five countries and I think at least three continents. I was overwhelmed with their "Abraham, Go" hearts of obedience. It requires deep love and commitment to live real for God. Linda, take note.

We helped each other in Detroit and shared a warm hug as we parted for our flights. We said we will stay in touch and that is a promise I intend to keep. God is clearly at work bringing two women together at the same moment in a big airport in an even bigger country. We went our separate ways, but spoke agreement.

 

It will be interesting to see what God does with this.

 

Many times at the end of a stressful day I wonder, what mattered?  I struggle with so much time and energy spent on pigs and it doesn't seem very spiritual. Frankly, it isn't.  

 

You may be wondering today too. I'm learning that God uses everything. God uses everything you do too.

 

What can we learn from One big country and three simple prayers?

 

Do every small thing, even the seemingly unspiritual with a heart for Jesus.  If God can find a way to use pigs, don't you think he can use whatever you do for his glory also?

Use what you have been given. It is never small or unimportant.
 

Watch for opportunities. They are everywhere. With hearts wide open, we will see them.

Share where God has you. Most of us are missionaries living right where we are. God needs us more than ever. 

 Because that's what he is in the business of doing, my friend. Using the ordinary, the plain, the lowly, the boring. The willing.

 

Are you willing today?

 

China: One Big Country and Three Simple Prayers

Soon after God and I came to an agreement that I would, indeed, to do the job he asked me to do, he raised the bar. No big surprise there, God does that kind of thing. But I still shook my fist and pounded the table and said, "Really God? Our first agreement wasn't enough?" I imagine him crossing his arms and leaning back on his throne as he chuckles and shakes his head.

Fine, I can make a trip to China. There God, see how much easier that was this time? Notice I said a trip, as in one. I spent a lot of time talking to God about this one trip.  Friends prayed too. I asked for three simple things. Well, one was a little more than simple.

The only jewelry I took was the cross necklace with the word faith a friend gave me. She thought that was exciting so we prayed someone would ask about the necklace. Prayer #1.

I wanted to be able to share my faith and talk about God with someone. Prayer #2.

The last request was a little trickier. I told God I didn't want our activity in China to only be about raising pigs and selling them to people. I want to find how to use pigs to share Jesus, say support mission work, but I wanted a real connection to the missionaries. That would be cool. Prayer #3.

After days full of meetings, interviews and contracts, we took a morning to see some sights. We have an assistant who is our interpreter. A young woman named Snow. She started talking about some of the bad things happening in the country. Maybe you saw the recent story of the Chinese couple who tried to send their newborn down the toilet. She said a lot of people in China were talking about that. Some thought it was terrible, some were allright with it. Because we have no faith, people can do terrible things and not even feel sorry for it.

Why do we have no faith in our country?

Prayer #2. I told her I'm a Christian and I have faith and that is what I live by. But she wanted to know how you get to heaven. Do you do enough good things to get heaven? No, Jesus is how you get to heaven you know him right? I asked her if she had ever heard of Jesus, and she said that she'd heard only a little. All you have to do is believe in Jesus and that he died for you because he loves you so much. You do good things because you love Jesus and you love other people. The conversation ended, but the seed was planted.

That night I decided to give her a gift. I took two devotional books to China. Jesus Calling and Promises for Life for Women. I chose the Promises book because Jesus in big bold print on the cover might cause problems. This little devotional has scriptures about all kinds of subjects. Anger, joy, resentment, peace. Things we all struggle with at any given hormonal level. I wrote in the front cover how to get to heaven so she could study it.

The final morning in our hotel room, we were chatting about business and Snow suddenly looked at me and said what pretty shirt you have on and what is that necklace? Prayer #1. I told Snow I got it from a very special friend because we both believe in Jesus and it signifies the bond we have because we are Christians.

Perfect time for the gift. I handed the book to Snow and explained it has bible verses about all kinds of topics that would help her. Does God really help you? Absolutely I said. Remember the other day in the meeting I got really angry? You saw that didn't you? I took a walk, talked to God and asked him to please give me patience and love and he did. She wanted to know if  he really helps with anger. More than that, I explained, he gives me peace. Snow told me that is what I need. She said there is a church in her home city that believes like I do and she is going to visit.

She clutched the devotional to her chest and declared with passion, I will read every word of this to my son and I will tell him that it is from you. Snow doesn't have a son. She's not married. Snow isn't even engaged yet. God's word never goes out void.

As I was answering some questions for my father and working on emails, I picked up the other devotional, you know the one with Jesus real big on the cover, just to show it to Snow. She grabbed that book out of my hands and set it together with the Promises gift.  Well ok, I thought, she can have both. I wonder how many people will read them?

God makes me smile. As we headed for the airport, I thought about those two amazing answers. I got there hours early because my father was heading a different direction on a morning flight. I went through the sliding terminal doors one step from leaving China.

I walked and walked circles around that terminal killing time and talking to God. Will he answer my third prayer? The first two were fairly painless. Do I even want the answer?

God um, I'm at the airport now. As if he didn't know.

Real Life Connections (in)RL

We came together. Last minute. When I heard about in(RL)Meet up through Lisa Jo Baker at Jumping Tandem The Retreat. I knew ladies at my church wanted something like this. Needed this. Even though I wasn't sure myself what it was all about. I scoped (in)courage website, got permission from my pastor and before I could come to my senses, emailed the ladies bible study group. Thursday morning. Did I mention the event started Friday? By that afternoon, I had several responses.

Oh my,  I'd better get something planned. I got super excited, watching previews Friday night. Saturday I crashed wondering what I had gotten myself into. I had no idea how to do this. So I baked. And prayed and ideas came and ladies to help and God put it together.

Eighteen women cam of all ages. Each a single rope strand. Questions shadowed eyes and silenced lips. We bound together and wound our hearts as we tied to Him, unbreakable. We tore long strips of colored fabric and watched fun, challenging, insightful women share.

Small groups clustered, questioned and related. With every segment, groups rearranged so no two were ever alike. Talk flowed easier, conversation lingered longer and schedules slipped. I didn't care. Connecting was God's plan.

After each discussion we wrote something to give over to God on the fabric. Then tied our heart expression to the rope. I worried people would think it silly, but God gave the idea. 

When you have been hurt? Who do you know who hurts now?
What sickness, loss or sadness do you or someone you know have?
What excuse do we use for not staying in community?
Who has God put on your heart to show that staying is the right thing to do?

We discovered the unique beauty of God bringing his most creative creatures, women, together in community to learn and love.

We found common ground. Look out for others hurting. Staying is better, even though leaving is easy. It is an honor to be challenged to behave more like Jesus. Reach out to women in stages of life, beyond our own. There is much to learn. Sometimes the smallest thing means the most so do one thing more. Endure in love because friends don't give up.

Throughout the afternoon the binding of Christ, the rope of community filled. One torn fabric piece, one lady, one prayer at a time.

Everyone loved the benches concept and chattered over each other with ideas. Our first "bench" is this Saturday at the restaurant of one of the ladies in the group. I can't go, but that is good. The women jumped in and became part building community. As it should be. We will even have an activity together this summer.

 

This wasn't a big thing one little woman can do. It is a little thing a BIG God and do and turn it into something HUGE. Because when it comes to staying, He's got us beat hands down. In blood, and stripes, and last breaths and risen first gasps and staying. Forever.

Broken Hallelujah

"Take the hand of the person next to you and let's pray." It was a baby dedication at church, but with those words, the dam broke. The whisperings I couldn't identify and fears I fought to validate by acknowledgement, rushed unbridled through the canyons of my heart. And again, tears.

I'm part of our church worship team. Often as I sit and look out at my church family and feel thankful for people who worship unashamed, empathy for families who have suffered loss, encouragement from those who are living above their trials through the strength of God. Last Sunday, I felt naked.

The worship set started. We took our places and began the first chorus. I tried to push my torment down, but my voice soon faltered. Strength evaporated and by the third chorus, my voice fell silent. I prayed. God, this is all I can do right now. I'm here, before You. This is all I have for You today.



When a broken hallelujah all you have,
that is all God wants.

Without Words

"I just can't believe that is what God means.

I can't believe that is what God wants."

Cloaked in the comfort of a dark evening, words flowed, weaving the uneven rhythm of a searching heart. Stories of people with a law-based belief and people, who name God their own, but live like He is not; church pew Christians who leave God behind at the last Amen, and blend seamlessly with the world. He said, “It is a confusing message.”

I didn’t hear about what people said to him. I heard about what he saw.

"It is no use walking anywhere to preach

unless our walking is our preaching."
Francis of Assisi

Our testimony is WITHOUT WORDS.

We try to live in such a way that no one will be hindered

from finding the Lord by the way we act,

and so no one can find fault with our ministry. 2 Chor. 6:3

He recognized something not right. Of that I am glad. I wondered though, has he ever seen enough of the real Jesus to fully understand a counterfeit?

His words urged me. Search.

How can we who call ourselves believers of God, Christians, lead people from the truth? How is it possible that we can give such an altered impression of God that people lose desire to know Him for themselves? How can I? Many times, my actions don't line up with my words.

I am on the worship team at church. I can think of more than one Sunday helping lead worship and wondering if my daughter might be thinking What a fake. It was difficult to remember the fight we had the day before or even that morning and then stand there and worship as if my heart were pure. Thankfully, worship purifies.

How about the new guy at work, who is developing a dislike for me because I am not very kind and patient with him. And then there is family. I wish I could look past my lack of grace toward my family. But I can't. Why is it so challenging for me to be loving, open and accepting with them? Lord have mercy.

For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved

and those who are perishing. 2 Chor. 2:15

Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I get it wrong.

I don't want to hinder. I want to be a fragrance.

A fragrance Without Words.

For more impressions on this quote see our host Tami at The Next Step and Writing Canvas.

Hide in Plain Sight

I knew when I typed. I wanted to make her real and It always costs me something in my last post, I was in for it.

Welcome to the tennis match of God's workshop. Into my orderly life He lobbed a seemingly innocent stint on stage followed by the cross court backhand of my friend's post The Best Way To Hide and rushed the net for the kill shot by throwing me into a situation I haven't allowed in years. Years!

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. Psalm 61:1-4

I learned early to run to God's comfort and security. He is the only true and safe place when any of us face what is bigger than us. But, had I taken it to a professional level? Instead of hiding to dwell with Him, was I just hiding?

When it comes to acting, I work hard. If the character isn't real, people will not relate. A character without layers is not real. Thus my predicament. To achieve a depth of layers, I have to dig deep into my own. Trust me, they are many and deep and have been hidden for a long time. This is where the cost comes. When the script is placed back on the shelf, the pesky tools I dug around to find are not so easily returned. They demand the attention of reality stripped of any character I conjure in my imagination.

Our church Christmas program this year was about loss. I thought I had escaped digging into my past, when I was asked to be the Assistant Director. One night, we worked a key scene again and again. Everyone was exhausted and the actors, though amazing, were struggling to understand what the director wanted. I sat there on the front row, heart pounding, bargaining with God. Don't make me go there! Please, don't make me talk about it. I obeyed and forced my biggest skeleton out of hiding. Telling them what it felt like to have an unfaithful husband was as excrutiating that night as the day I found out. Although I was a mess for weeks, God replaced what I released with another healing step forward.

Compared to Christmas, I breezed through my next play even though God continued His relentless baseline volley. This time the lessons were offstage. I wanted to put the tools safely away. I wanted to say. Let the retreat begin! He said, No. You have to quit hiding it. If you want to be mine, you can't keep hiding from pain. You have to be willing to hurt again.

The ball is in my court. Now what am I going to do about it?
This is for me.



This is for you. Are there things you would rather hide? Please don't let me think I'm the only one. The ball is in your court. What do you want to do about it?

The Stage of Life

Sunday wrapped up performances of Annie Get Your Gun. I played Dolly, a silly character who ended up on the short end of many jokes. Poor Miz, Tate indeed! But, I didn't want to just provide punchlines, I wanted to make her real.

My adventure had it's final bow and I wrangled my last gun. Why, when I know how behind I am on projects for my soon to graduate daughter and work is on overload, don't I feel total relief? Afterall, my life that went into a holding pattern is now screaming for attention.

Even though I was pushed reluctantly into this production, I loved it. Some people don't get why I do theater. Sure it is an escape from daily life, but there is so much more. Putting myself into something like that is thrilling, exhausting, scary, tons of fun and it always costs me something. By Sunday night, the stage was bare, the theater cleaned and the goodbyes said. My emotions crashed against each other and I was in an exhausted heap.

God, what was that all about? How can something be so fulfilling and leave me empty at the same time? Why do I do this?

Creation. The excitement and applause of performance are nice, but what I love, love, LOVE is the process of creation. I am fascinated by discovering a character, learning what makes them who they are and bringing them to life. There are bits and pieces in the script and clues in what other people bring to the process, figuring out where my character is going and how it fits into the big picture of the story. Then gathering all the little shards, pressing them together and molding them into something real, relatable. I'm not saying I'm great at it and I'm learning more every time, but that process is what I love.

It is what real life is about. Creation. God gives us a script, the bible. He puts people and things in our lives who shape the process. He has a big picture plan for each of us, and a journey we are on. Our lives are His stage.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

God, keep me focused and passionate in pursuit of the me You created. Help me discover, be drawn forward and molded by You so I can be ready for good works and worthy of whatever stage you choose for me.

Again

If I made a list of my favorite years, years upon remembering bring a smile to my heart, 2010 would not be on it. There was no catastrophic event, when once survived, I could pin a badge of courage. It was simply the accumulation of life. Family loss, business changes, work stress, overwhelming demands, health challenges. I would be embarrassed to divulge details because any one of these are small potatoes compared to the suffering some faced. Nevertheless, I was worn down.

By mid-December I was checking off days until I could turn the calendar, close the lid on a tough year and tuck it on the back shelf. I know there isn’t anything changed on the 1st than there was on the 31st, but it just feels different. A clean start. With much of the muck resolved, I hoped 2011 would be a year of ease. Boy, was I ready for ease. I peered into the months ahead and I knew they would times to embrace and savor.

Christmas week, our business got a bad report. My spirit slumped. In the following days, the breadth of the situation widened. Business was brought nearly to a complete stop while we assessed, regrouped and planned. This problem will negatively impact our business until long into 2012. My hope of ease vanished.

God, do we really have to do this AGAIN?

" . . . to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load

is to miss a new opportunity for growth."

J.R. Miller from Streams in the Desert

Yes, AGAIN. He said

I sat before Him in silence. I should have felt despair, panic, anger and sure, I felt some of that. But those emotions came like a faint whisper. What came boldly was comfort from all the challenges God has brought me through. That knowing swept over me.

If I had not chosen to bend to those loads in the past, despair and panic would still rule. But I did bend and God bent with me. In choosing to bend, God strengthened my resolve, my dependence and my knowing Him.

This year will not be easy. I can't say what life will look like as it wanes. It may not look pretty, but I know it will be allright. Facing the heaviness of burdens is easier now because I chose to bend. Of course there are plenty of times I chafe from the strain. Times my focus falters and I blow it. But, every time I choose to bend again, so does God.

He who listens to me shall dwell securely

and shall be at ease from the dread of evil.

Prov 1:33

This year will be a different kind of ease.

I choose to bend. AGAIN.

You Kissed My Scar

You kissed my scar.
Me.

A slumdog.
And You bent down.

You offered me shelter when I was lost against the elements.
You relished my companionship, stirring hope.
You encouraged me to run, be free.
You never forgot.
You found me. Again and again.
You pursued me relentlessly.

Me. A slumdog.
When I was battered by the world, You defended me.
Tarnished and stained by evil and You saw me.
When I was bitter in my unworthiness, You kept coming.
When I was trapped, You never gave up.
I dared to allow hope to flicker and You called me.
You kissed my scar.

Every time I watch this movie, it won’t let me go. Lingering in my depths, I am brokenly aware of never ending, never failing love. Gratitude overwhelms.

God, You see me. Me.

And with the insistence of water carving canyons, You open my soul.

This is the way God put it:
"They found grace out in the desert,
these people who survived the killing.
Israel, out looking for a place to rest,
met God out looking for them!"
God told them, "I've never quit loving you and never will.
Expect love, love, and more love!

The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying,
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.


I am overwhelmed and undone by your pursuing, unrelenting love.

I hope.

As the canyon widens, I learn.

You kiss my scar and my brokenness is undone.
You kiss my scar and in Your love, I am a millionaire.

Sacrifice and Sweetness

Today, I flew through Chicago. I sat next to a soldier who had just finished his tour of duty.

"It was a long year," he said. And now his journey home. Iraq, Kuwait, Germany, Maine, Indiana, Chicago. A travel weary young man, yet we had a pleasant talk.

As the wheels touched the tarmac of his hometown I said, "Welcome home."

He nodded and a smile welled like a natural spring to light his whole being. "Thanks."

We were strangers, but with those simple words, we shared a moment entwined with the sacrifice of service and the sweetness of home.

It was a privilege.

Love Overcomes Loss

Christmas day. I wonder at the unexplainable.

A young couple barely married a year, expecting their first child, looking for a new house to call home and welcome their expanding love. They are ready to share a holiday of brimming hope. Instead of preparing for the tiny blessing on it's way, they face a very different task this Christmas. Planning the funeral of their precious little girl they will never get to hold. A tiny life designed and chosen by God, lost before her first breath. This should not be so. I cannot imagine their pain. It is unexplainable.

Another young couple facing the scorn of the pregnant unwed. Searching for a place to welcome their child. Her child. Determined to be a family, they plan. They hope and love grows. This tiny miracle, the most magnificent in all history enters our world with a cry. Breathing in our frailty. Does he know, even then? A moment before he was God, infused with power to do anything, to know everything. What did He lose to give himself to us? God designed and chose every moment. I can't imagine the depth of grief in giving His child to die. It should not be so. But it is. He chose to give.

It is unexplainable. All I can think is:

Love Overcomes Loss.

Today I have two prayers. One for the baby lost, that love will overcome in the grieving family. Another, for the baby given. Love born. Let Him overcome our hearts.

Operation Buy Wheels-The Plot Thickens

AAAAKKK! Someone pulled the grenade pin and lobbed it! I'm doing this car buying thing slowly and methodically, dare I say wisely, and they have the audacity to announce the deadline is only FOUR days away. Kaboom. No more $4,500 dollar scrap metal.

I can't even put Step 5 into action by Monday. Wait you say, I'm counting and what happened to Step 4? Ok for the few of you who read my last post on car buying and noticed, THANK YOU. I'd send you a free book but I'm not currently in with any publishers. I do have a delectable can of black beans in the cupboard. Interested?

Ok fine.

Step 4 isn't that much fun anyway. After test drive Saturday, Sunday came-church. Well, church was totally fun, but I mistakenly mentioned my escapades to a Pastor's wife. The Pastor's wife who I sat by during Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsay. Yes, her husband led the class. Oh the things that pass my lips. With both index fingers pointing and thumbs cocked like handguns, she jumped into protect your sister from a HUGE mistake mode. (She is as sweet as can be and I love her, but. . . I want a car). It gets worse.

Pastor was teaching on 1 Chorinthians and smack in the middle of his sermon he launches this rocket. "A lot of people are excited about buying a new car in the government program. I don't care if you're getting $4,500. If you can't afford the payments, don't do it. I didn't say that in first service, there must be someone here who needs to hear that." UGH! Service ended and I tried to make my tactical retreat when I was intercepted by the aforementioned Pastor of Finance. (I just gave him a new title) "I hear you need to listen to a lesson from FPU again. I'll get you the DVD's."

Throw up the white flag. I gave up and meekly followed to the office for the dreaded DVD's of reason. You'd be proud of me I listened-twice and an extra lesson to boot. I even pulled out the car cd's and listened to the savings lesson. It's coming back to me now.

Think!
The economy.
The budget.
The need.
The desire.

Strike the desire.

I decided to take a break and pray more, listen harder. My verse this month has been Prov 1:33

He who listens to me shall dwell securely.

He shall live at ease from the dread of evil.

I guess Step 5 will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm hyperventilating tonight.